So, I’m doing pretty okay. Well, I’m in the midst of a clichéd, pre-quarter-life crisis, but other than that everything is great. It’s not the typical college panic where you can just drown your tears, bad grades, and hookup regrets in your ridiculously expensive and fruity drink. It’s more like a constant feeling of existential angst and dread that never goes away no matter what you do kind of thing. But, on the bright side, it’s not all the time. It only flares up when I’m awake. And sometimes when I dream.
So, I just fill my days with my inner monologue of melodramatic nonsense (basically this blog) while mindlessly scrolling through food blogs and food-related Facebook posts until my thumb gets numb. Look out, major first-world problems. I might get a waterproof case for my phone, so I can curl up on the floor of my shower. Just to change things up a little.
Anyways, back to the subject at hand. Every once in a while some new food product will break through the clutter and bask in the shining light of newness. Foodies everywhere will either rejoice and build a shrine — AVOCADOS — or complain about how it will give us cancer or “Something something, hipster, yoga, animal rights, fat Americans.”
Just last week there was an article on how to make homemade “O’Twinkers”. What’s an O’Twinkers you ask? It’s a massive gut bomb. It's a descent into a true Heart of Darkness. To make this thing, you assault an innocent Twinky (I actually hate Twinkies, so not entirely innocent) by shoving a regular Snickers bar inside of it, basically taking its fake-pastry virginity. Then you continue to man-handle it until the Snickers is fully inside of the Twinky.
It gets worse. You take the monstrosity and you deep fry it. Then, once it has cooled, you stick Oreos on top and you deep fry that sucker AGAIN. Now that your Franken-food is complete, you can eat it and die from the bajillion calories and fat that will immediately clog your arteries.
People. PEOPLE. With great power, comes great responsibility. Or something. Another comic book reference. I dunno. Not the point. What shocked me is the amount of people who couldn’t wait to make the damn thing. This is proof that we are moving closer from actual, functioning, human beings to Wall-E style stacks of meat. It will be a moment of importance when the AI we created finally return to Earth to comb through the ashes of our civilization. Or when aliens come "visit" to feast on our obese bodies, and all we can do is just try to roll away.
'Merica
* For those who are concerned about my mental health after reading this post, I would like to assure you that I am fine. My constant, unending, internal monologue simply does this all day: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA